#i guess that could be seen as proof that i am trans but it just doesn't feel like it's sustainable enough

[hartlow]

society completely centers the trans experience around trans pain instead of trans joy, yet gets angry at trans people for expressing trans pain when they're "supposed to be happy". like, i've never been able to watch youtubers like samantha lux or sam collins for long, not because of anything against them, but because their videos are solely based on how hard it is to be trans, and it just makes me so depressed. not to mention the main discussion in the trans community is gender dysphoria, not gender euphoria, and how many people see hating your body as the key criteria. it feels so miserable.

i've been healing from some stuff these past few days, and it seems to be allowing me at least temporary freedom from gender dysphoria. i don't feel like my body is "wrong". or it just feels "off" at worst, not like i want to scream over it like usual. i feel more feminine, and i feel less aversion to feminine-aligned terms. i've had to start questioning my identity now, and the thing is... i think it's the same. i still don't want you calling me my deadname. i still don't want my hair to grow too long. i still like he/him and they/them, even if they could be potentially on the same level as she/her now. it still feels wonky not having a you-know-what. a flat chest would still feel just as natural, if not better than the chest i have now. i still feel a bit jealous passing by men, thinking verbatim "i wish i was a boy". i still feel better and more like myself in jeans from the boys' section and oversized clothing. all that's changed is that i no longer treat myself as gross or unnatural or a burden for having these feelings... but at the same time, it's so hard, because i now feel like i'm oscillating between the lines of "cis" and "trans". if you asked me which of these i was, i don't think i'd be able to tell you anymore. and honestly? i'm trying to learn that that's okay; that not everyone has to have a label.

it does hurt, though. the way i've been feeling recently could entirely be temporary, but it feels like i've lost a space in the community that made me feel so welcome, without gaining a new space anywhere else. i never thought i'd be upset that i'm not upset over something anymore. i just hope that if i do turn out to be full blown cis next week or next month or next year, i'll learn not to take it too hard, because the idea of "being wrong" has always brought me an unbelievable amount of anxiety.

even if it turns out later that i'm no longer a trans person, i still firmly believe people are not less trans just because they're happy.

[blossomthepinkbunny]

Poor rendition of queer characters in HH and HB

Here I am again talking about queer representation in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, this time just more generally. Because it's always a little weird to me when people claim HH/HB to have good queer representation, when in actuality most of the queer characters are either just blatant stereotypes or get mishandled somehow. And with Helluva Boss recently winning the Queertys - Web series reward I think that this is probably a pretty good time to acknowledge that kind of stuff (as people have done before).

TW: Sexual assault, R@pe (when referring to the actions of characters)

Blitzø (Pansexual): is very sexual and seen on screen multiple times either having sex or just having had sex. Pretty much fits the general stereotype of queer men always being sexual and also the stereotype of pansexuals just sleeping with everybody. Like, he literally screwed the mutual Ex of his coworkers even though he knew how much that guy hurt them.

Stolas (Gay): also mostly sexual (from how he was introduced) and he is in a pretty terrible "relationship" with Blitzø, which includes coercion, SA, Power dynamics and fetishization. Another very sex-driven queer man. Also just great proof for the people assuming that queer relationships are inherently predatory, unhealthy and never work out.

Moxxie (Bisexual): is often forced into a very feminine role because even in relationships with women, queer men always have to be pointed out to be feminine and putting a guy in a dress is funny I guess.

Fizzarolli & Asmodeus (Queer): they're actually better than a lot of the other characters here but there is still some of that uneven power dynamic going on with them and there are obvious issues with their relationship. Overall they aren't too bad though. They didn't get that much sexual focus and what they got is kinda warranted since Ozzie is the Lust demon. But there is that one scene with Fizz stepping out of his car with Dildo confetti canons (I think) and that was sorta weird, since in an episode before that they presented Crimson as being homophobic and stereotypical for assuming queer men are all obsessed with dicks. Which is just interesting because thats most of the queer men in Vivzepops stories.

Chaz (Queer): just a sexually abusive asshole because we definitely needed more predatory queer men in this show.

Sally May (Trans mtf): basically the single recognized trans character in both shows and she only had one line. After that they made fan merch for her which consisted of her in a bikini with her bulge being drawn pretty visibly (multiple times). Of course there's nothing wrong with Trans people who don't have surgery but it's just a tiny bit weird to me that fanservice merchandise is what she got reduced to, when something like that wasn't even the joke of the only line she had in the show and because she hasn't recieved any kind of focus after that.

Angel Dust (Gay): now there is a lot of stuff that could be said about Angel. On one hand he is another very sexual gay man whose screentime often just consists of sex jokes and references. On the other hand that's a big point for his character. How he tries to act confident in his sexuality when in reality it's the main source of his problems. Though he does often harass other men in the show and that's just so unnecessary. Talking about Angel mostly leads into discussing if he is good representation for SA victims or not, which is something I don't want to talk about that much because I feel like it's not my place to judge that as someone who never has experienced SA. I'm gonna say that I do find Viv's treatment of him outside of the show insensitive (with the pro-shipping, diminishing Valentino as an Abuser and general sexualization of the characters) but as far as the portrayal of him in the show goes I've heard different opinions and you should read the discussion's of actual r@pe survivors about this topic if you want to know about more about it.

Husk (Queer): I don't have anything to say about Husk. He is a very refreshing queer man in these show's and there is nothing bad about him I could think of right now.

Valentino (Queer): for him I mostly want to talk about how he is treated outside of the show which doesn't sit right with me. He is a villian in HH so it's understandable that he is gonna do effed up stuff. I also like that the show tries to make a point about how men get sexually assaulted too (wether they succeeded in that inside the show I'm not gonna judge too hard like I said). But there are a lot of people who not only sexualize him, but also his actions and his relationship to Angel and from what I know Viv never really spoke out against that. She actually interacts with people who do that stuff and I it's just kinda gross.

Vox (Queer): I also don't have a lot to say about him. He and Val are a couple so he is dating a r@pist but he is also a villain so you can't really expect more from him. Especially since he would still be interacting with a r@pist even if they weren't dating.

Alastor (Aromantic, Asexual): is obviously not interested in relationships or sex but his identity is pretty much ignored by a huge amount of the fandom. Vivzepop never say's anything about people blatantly invalidating him like that. It seems to me like she doesn't care about characters who can't be involved in shipping but still wanted to have more diversity in her show so she just called him AroAce. In Hazbin Hotel he isn't bad representation though. His sexuality is never the focus but thats fine, it's mostly just the treatment he gets outside of HH which I don't like.

Charlie (Bisexual): doesn't have a lot to her sexuality. This is something I talked about pretty lengthy in my other post, specifically about the lack of Sapphic content in both shows, so I won't go into too much detail here. Her relationship with Vaggie would probably be the best in both shows if it wasn't for the fact that they both never get the real spotlight as a couple. And there is that thing in Vivzepops stories where the women are pretty much sexless without men and that's obviously something that is generally an issue when talking about the lack of Sapphic representation (which is also a topic heavily tied to sexism). Charlie's portrayal isn't necessarily stereotypical but that's just because there is nothing to her identity in the show.

Vaggie (Lesbian): like I said I already talked about the Chaggie relationship so now I wanna focus on something I didn't even mention in that post. Her name literally being Vagina and that's apparently funny because she is a Lesbian so she obviously likes Vagina. That's just incredibly stereotypical and also excludes Trans Lesbians and Asexual Lesbians who don't want sex. The whole joke was that Adam named her that because he is obsessed with sex and he's a jerk. But her name was always Vagina even in the pilot (from what I know Adam wasn't conceived then and neither was the idea that Vaggie even is a former exterminator).

That's all the queer characters I could think of. I hope I didn't miss any.

I thought about including Millie here too. But she was also already included in my other discussion post and I still don't know if she is canonically Bisexual of if that is just a headcannon so I didn't put her here.

I'm just gonna say that i don't have a problem with queer men being sexual (or any queer person in that regard). But it's pretty much every one of her queer male characters. This is especially bad when a lot of the relationships are toxic as well.

I just think too many characters fit stereotypes and to me that isn't good queer representation. If you like the depiction of queer characters in HH or HB that's good for you and you don't have to agree with me. But you also can't really deny a lot of this stuff and you can't expect others to just be fine with bland, hurtful and sometimes even toxic representation like there is in these shows.

[maegalkarven]

Family matters.

m!(trans)Dark Urge x Enver Gortash.

Brainworms finally got to me, I caved in and wrote a oneshot on the topic of "but what if Durge and Gortash had a child prior to all that mess"

Featuring my Dark Urge Levi, pre- and post- memory loss.

There was a living, breathing infant child in his arms; and for the first time in a long while Lord Enver Gortash was in complete loss at what to do.

“What is it?” fell rather flat down, a poor excuse of a question.

Leviathan rolled his eyes.

“A meaty flesh of some newly created life,” he huffed, visibly annoyed. “Also known as a child. I assume you’ve met their kind?”

Enver felt anger rise alongside with deeply rooted annoyance. Whatever spectacle the bhaalspawn decided to partake in, now was not the time for that. Neither it was the time for his witty itty remarks.

“I am well aware it’s a child,” he argued back just as sullenly, the said child held loosely in his arms. In his arms. Why was there a child in his arms? They were not made for holding babies.

“I’m asking why is it a child and why is it here. The questions any sane person in my place would indulge in.”

There was something...off about the bhaalspawn.

Not only Enver hadn’t seen the man for almost the entity of a year, an assassin always claiming some task of utmost importance, but now he decided to pop out of the thin air with a live child in a tow and immediately push said child into his, Enver Gortash’s, not so open arms.

It was alarming, to say the least.

“Oh, that,” Levi waved him off like it was a casual annoyance and not a conversation two adults, so-conspirers - partners - had. Like Gortash imposed himself into his free time and personal space and not the other way around. “It’s yours.”

It’s what?

“Or at least I assume it’s yours,” Leviathan followed as Enver’s thoughts came to a rapid halt. “Since I haven’t touched anyone alive but you in a long time. And look where it led me,” the look of pure disdain was all the child was getting, it seemed. “A freshly made meaty cage for a new soul. Disgusting. You’d think Father would make this shit stop and would not allow a child of banite to be born, but I guess any bhaalspawn is a good little pawn under his merciful gaze. Anyway,” a wild, excusing gesture of a hand. “I don’t have any use for this...thing. Sceleritas suggested to bring it into the fold and let my men do all the work, but well, the bother. So you can take it instead,” a winning smile what would work wonders if not for the whole absurdity of the situation Gortash just found himself in. “Think of it as of a gift. A proof of my loyalty to our cause, hm?”

Sometimes the bastard was more annoying than he was charming and his presence took a toll on the man.

Sometimes Enver wanted nothing more than to break Levi’s pretty slender neck.

That was one of these times.

“And what am I supposed to do with it?”

“Oh, whatever you want,” another wide, generous gesture. This asshole truly thought of that...child as if of a gift to be given away, didn’t he?

Enver shouldn’t have been surprised, not really, he knew Leviathan’s stance on children.

“Taste good, not much of use when alive, it’s funny when they die first” – was as good of a take as one could expect from the leader of the Cult of Murder.

“You can throw it away or feed it to the dogs. You can raise it or give it to a hag or even sell it to the devil,” another smile that’s more malicious than anything else. “I don't really care, if I'm being honest.”

Unfortunately, killing a bhaalspawn when you were holding just another bhaalspawn would prove to be close to impossible.

It would have to wait, and Leviathan Anchev still had his uses, bratty as he was.

And his appeal, as deadly as that ordeal proved to be. Or how complicated.

A child, huh? Well, Enver supposed every ruler needed an heir.

“Bring me the wizard,” was the first order out of his mouth when bhaalspawn left. The child was safely given into the care of the first competent older servant, who looked just as bewildered as Gortash himself felt. “Tell him to scan the...the-“

“The boy, my lord.”

“Right, tell the mage to scan the boy’s heritage. Let’s find who his parents are, shall we?”

Trusting a psycho murderer was an awful idea even at the safest of times, and now were not those. Levi would lie just to fuck with Enver. Levi had to lie, because there was no way this infant boy was actually his, Enver’s, flesh and blood.

***

Leviathan Anchev did not lie.

***

Levi moved away to sprawl his body across the bed, the creature of leisure he was. He sniffed the air and then wrinkled his nose, closer to an animal than any other person Gortash has ever known. More appealing in that, in his beast-like fluid grace.

“You still have this thing around,” the man commented, frowning. “Why? Playing the dollhouse? How...quant.”

“This thing has a name,” Enver couldn’t not parry. “Noah.”

Leviathan groaned.

“Oh, spare me the details; I want nothing to do with that flesh meat. Having to carry it inside my body for almost a year was a bother enough. Almost cut it out myself on multiple occasions, but Sceleritas insisted the internal damage I’d deal would be too great to handle. Idiot.” A moment of a thoughtful pause.

“You know what my destiny is, right?”

A searching gaze, reaching hands, clawed fingers cupping Enver’s cheeks almost gently. Something changed between them some time ago, but what it was Lord Gortash could not pinpoint. 

Yet something...Shifted.

Levi searching his face for some kind of acknowledgement was a sign of this.

Leviathan Anchev Enver first met would not care less about his approval. Leviathan Anchev of now was Enver’s nearest and dearest and it was pretty much a mutual kind of thing.

“I know.”

To kill everyone in the world and then himself. In Bhaal’s name. A gruesome fate, and pointless. Dull, lacking of any grandiose his, Enver’s, path had.

If only he could break off this deadly conviction in his dear ally, if only there was a way to make him stray out of this path...

They could be good for each other. They could rule together as the gods of the new age; glorious, undefeatable, perfect.

The rulers Toriel truly deserved.

“Then you know I’ll have to kill this...thing,” a moment of barely noticeable hesitation. “This... Noah.”

Enver also knew he would rather see his lover bleed on the altar of his dreadful father than let it happen.

“I do.”

“I,” another uncertain pause. “I was planning to leave you for last. To kill you and myself in one final blow; a perfect tribute to Father. But,” and really, those damn pauses were starting to get on Enver’s nerves. Levi was never short of words before, so what in the nine hells had happened? “Would you rather prefer I’d do you and...Noah... together? To kill you two in one blow?”

Ah.

Enver saw it for what it was, in the uncertain, searching gaze of his unlucky lover, in the carefulness with which he produced words.

Something warm flooded out the irritation from before; something warm and soft and entirely fragile.

It was mercy, the only kind of mercy the bhaalspawn could know. Leviathan Anchev, the man fully capable of destroying everyone and everything on his wake, offered him a tiny piece of his own surrender. A confirmation of his affections, almost a confession.

In some ways he did care.

“That would be very considerate of you, yes,” he agreed, bringing bhaalspawn close. His bhaalspawn, his ally, his lover. The father of his son.

If there was a way of bringing Bhaal down without bringing Levi with him, Enver would find and utilize it. Otherwise he’d have to kill the best partner in crime he has ever had.

And that would be...unfortunate.

Levi leaned into the touch, soft and gentle in a way he has never been before; almost fragile.

Trusting.

“Does it...know about me?” came out in a whisper, almost unbidden.

“He knows you exist,” was all the response Enver could give, enveloping his assassin into his arms, holding him closely, firmly, painfully so.

The bhaalspawn squirmed for a moment before finally settling in.

“Oh,” he breathed out. “I didn’t think you would...What you would tell him I do. Exist, I mean. I’d expect you’d spin a tale of some tragically dead wife or-“

“There is no tragically dead wife,” Enver cut off, feeling rather irritated. A mystery of complications, his dear murderer. “Only a lunatic of a murderer for a father. Not what Noah knows that, he knows we’re working together and what you’re a very busy man.”

“Hmph,” Levi’s breath brushed Enver’s neck. “I guess that is true.”

“Do you want to,” and now it was his time to be a hesitant bother. “Meet him?

At that Leviathan actually laughed.

“Oh, absolutely not, keep him and that strange dollhouse of yours as far away from me as possible. I have things to do, people to kill, empires to rule. I don’t have time for meat-things, of my own creation or not.”

And just like that, it was as if nothing has changed.

***

The alarm goes off the moment Karlach finishes the last of the Hands and flies into a wall by the force of the explosive detonating right into her face.

Enver doesn’t stop to register that, or to look around at the bodies of his faithful, to mourn his perfectly constructed plans – his watch, the Iron Throne, the little fireworks shop – because the alarm in Noah’s private chambers went off and it only means one thing.

Intruders.

He skips one step at the time climbing up the steep steps to the higher, more private level.

Could that be the remaining of Orin’s assassins?

Levi said he dispatched of them all, but surely some had to survive by the sheer luck of not being in the temple at the moment. Are those Ravengard’s forces, Florrick’s?

Is it Leviathan, finally coming to sniff out the life he himself created?

He is vaguely aware of the younger Ravengard and the pale elf taking the chase after him, of Karlach joining in.

They think he is escaping.

Idiots.

Enver tries not to think what he is leading the enemies right to his son; he’ll deal with them later. Right now there’s blazing alarm shrieking what something is wrong – and indeed it is, as he discovers with the first body lying dead on the floor. Then the second. Then the third.

All of them – with their throats ripped open, Leviathan’s favorite style.

Enver turns the corner and reaches for the door handle – the door is unlocked and half open: this is bad, bad, bad-

Then he hears a laughter and pauses.

He opens the door slowly and carefully instead of throwing it open as he intended at first.

And sees...

Levi is sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning slightly forward.

Across of him, sitting in the exact same – ridiculous – pose sits the boy not older than five. He has a dark messy hair, blazing green eyes what betray his nature, and the new game Gortash brought to him just recently. He is trying to explain the rules to the tiefling in front of him, who listens attentively, nodding here and there.

“Wow,” Leviathan Anchev comments with an air of nonchalance he didn’t have before. “I did not understand a thing. But good for you, lil one, good for you.”

“It’s really not that difficult,” Noah insists. “I can teach you! We can play together.”

Enver steps closer, somehow is still not detected neither by his son nor by his...his what?

Karlach almost crashes into the doorframe after him, but somehow manages to steady herself, takes in the view in front of her – and freezes.

So do the other two of Levi’s unruly companions. Gortash especially doesn’t like the pale one; he has a habit of sticking way closer to the bhaalspawn than it is proper.

“I am not that good at these kinds of games,” Levi admits as his tail flips from side to side and nostrils flare; he has detected him. Probably smelled before sensing. “But I have a friend with a real knack for them. He is a wizard and knows a lot of fun things; I think you’d get along.”

Noah looks uncertain.

“Are you sure?” he looks down. “I don’t think...I’m not allowed outside.”

“Really? And why is that?”

“Well,” the boy fidgets with his game. “Father says people who oppose him would try to use me against him, if they knew I existed. So I am kind of...a secret? It’s for my own safety!” he immediately adds, seeing Leviathan’s face blank out. “There’s a murderer on the loose, she really doesn’t like father despite supposedly working with him. Father says she will kill me if she finds out I exist.”

“Oh,” Levi looks taken aback at that. “I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore. If you’re talking about who I think you’re talking about, then she has been dealt with already.”

“Oh!” Noah brightens. “By whom?”

“By me. But say,” the spawn looks quizzically at the child in front of him, frowning slightly. “Is it just your father and you? Where’s your mother?”

“I don’t have one,” and this is definitely the moment then Enver needs to intervene, but he is just...frozen in place, turned to stone.

Leviathan Anchev he knew hated children.

This Leviathan Anchev is talking to a child as it was his best friend.

“I have a dad though!” Noah is a sweet fool, Enver taught him much better than telling complete strangers his entire life’s story. Stop. Talking. “He is...working a lot and is too busy to visit,” the boy looks down gloomily. “But! He and father are very close; they even stole from the devil together!”

Levi blinks. Then blinks once more. Then again.

“The devil, you say?” and is it just Gortash’s imagination, but did the man’s voice just rise up an octave?

“Yes! And not just any devil, the achdevil Mephistopheles!” Noah looks so absurdly proud of that it hurts. “They snuck right into his home, stole a crown from his vault and returned here. Unspotted, unstopped. Victorious.”

“What the fuck?” Karlach lets out and both the boy and the bhaalspawn who created him turn to the door.

Noah’s face immediately brightens.

“Father!” he exclaims, hastily getting to his feet and rushing to him. Behind the boy Levi gives the man the most bewildered stare he has ever seen.

“You have a child!” young Ravengard speaks out with the accusation in his voice. Enver really isn’t sure whom the man is addressing.

Noah is unperturbed.

“Father, I met a really cool guy, his name is Levi and he must be your friend because he came here with no problem at all; and he has children at his camp, two girls named Yenna and Arabella. Arabella is a druid because she stole the idol of Sylvanus and it gave her powers, and Yenna has a cat! But the cat is anxious so I shouldn’t pet it, but I can look at it! Please, can I look at Yenna’s cat? Levi said the evil murderer is dealt with, so it’s probably safe. And Levi can guard me if needed. Also there’s a vampire spawn in his camp and-“

The pale elf coughs.

“Hello there,” he tries, pulling a not entirely convincing smile up his lips. “A vampire spawn speaking. And you would be...”

“I am Noah!” says Noah right away; and did Enver shelter him too much? Damn, he has sheltered him too much. Look at the boy, he wants to befriend a vampire spawn. “I’m the son of the Archduke! Hello.”

“Yes, hi,” the elf looks at Levi uncertainly and back. “So...”

“So,” the bhaalspawn steps forward, the bewildered look stuck to his face. He crouches down to Noah’s level and takes his hands into his calloused and clawed ones. “So Noah...Your dad is the man who helped your father to steal the crown from the devil, is that right?”

Noah nods vigorously and Enver takes his time to observe the scene; the two bhaalspawns in front of each other, Levi’s posture, his relaxed shoulders, his slightly shaking hands. The tail that seems to have a life on its own and moves agitatedly behind its owner.

Three companions of the bhaalspawn, all somewhat stuck in place, with different levels of surprise stitched up their faces. The pale elf – a step closer, almost lingering at Leviathan’s side. Annoying.

Yet somehow, no matter how hard Gortash looks at it, he doesn’t sense any danger. Doesn’t see it, even with Karlach still aflame by the doorframe.

“Yep,” Noah agrees eagerly. “I wish he’d come to meet me soon. He will come, right? Once the work is done and all,” the boy sighs. “I mean, I am his son, surely he would care to come to meet me.”

“Um,” the tiefing looks uncertain. “And what if...something happened to him? What if he, say, lost his memories?”

“How? Did something hit him in the head?”

The vampire spawn chokes on a laugh and Levi rolls his eyes at him.

“Sure,” he agrees. “Let’s call it that. So...what if he doesn’t...exactly remember having you?”

“You mean if he’s lost and doesn’t know he needs to come back?”

“Something like that.”

“Well, I guess I’d come looking for him. He is my other father. It’s important.”

The force of conviction behind these words hits harder than a thunderwave.

Leviathan blinks hard, clears his throat, and then-

“You...don’t have to. I don’t remember much about my life before...certain events, but it was made adamantly clear to me I was the one to break into the Mephistopheles’ vault with your father. And if your dad is who did that, then,” he stops. “Then I guess- Enver, are you really just going to stand here like a fucking statue? Tell me if this is what I think it is or not.”

“You swore!”

“No, the fuck, I did not. Enver-“

“Now you swore twice!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake-“

“So,” Gortash steps forward, a lazy smile dancing on his lips. Gods only know how much this smile costs him. “You have known your son for the entirety of twenty minutes and already taught him a swear word. Really impressive.”

“Father?”

“Oh, listen here, you poignant prick-“

This, Enver thinks, is what family feels like.

[kanicrow]

a rant that i’ve said to my friends many a time but finally putting into text form for the sake of because I want to.

Really unsure what the over all message of this is but, it’s about representation in media and how that has affected me as a young hispanic trans person.

When I was around 11 years old I was questioning my gender identity. Not sure what brought upon this but I guess it just came with the changes that come with growing up.

As I was questioning these things I would try to seek out media that I felt I could relate to or people who were going through similar things.

The media and people I found was less than helpful.

It made me hate myself, because that’s what being trans is all about.

Right?

That’s what it felt like. I had to pass to be happy. I have to conform to what society deems as “male” or “female”

I never saw what I know now as trans joy. Loving being trans and loving yourself for that.

That is until I read Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard. My friend had recommended it to me because she said that a character from it reminded her of me.

I enjoyed the first books well enough, having loved the series written before. I began reading the second book: The Hammer of Thor. In this book the character Alex Fierro is introduced.

Alex is hispanic and gender fluid. I had never seen a character like that in the media I consumed.

A character just like me. I felt heard. I felt seen!

But Alex was different from the other trans people I had seen in media. Alex simply didn’t care. She wasn’t concerned with that was considered “male” or “female”. He wasn’t trans for anyone but herself.

Also a character connected to my culture that I felt so estranged from.

Looking back on this it’s extremely important to me that I had a someone like that in media I loved.

Seeing a trans character in media who loved themselves was so so important for my young mind. It made me realize a lot of things about myself. I am who I am and if other people can’t accept this they are not worth my time. I dont owe anyone an explanation to the way I am, i’m simply me.

No clue what any of this is supposed to mean I just? Not sure? Maybe we need less trans suffering in media and more trans people loving themselves? Suffering is not the entirety of a trans persons life. I am much more than my suffering.

Representation in media is so extremely important and i’m living proof of that

[thedonkeyofyourdreams]

the bastard son and the devil himself rewatch

Ep. 4

Finally found the time to watch the next ep!! Holy moly christmas time is busy time. There is sooo much flesh in this episode, I had to restrain myself from going scene by scene. 

So in this ep we get to know Gabriel more. He used to be casually dating Clark, a clingy and annoying american 29-year old. And this is ofc the age problem coming from, you know, that some people find Gabriel too old for shipping him with Nathan. We have proof that Gabriel is supposed to be 19 (they could have gone for a younger look for him tho, I agree), but why tf make clark 29? He doesn’t even look very old, say 24, 25 and it is already better. Anyways. Clark is an idiot. Everything in Gabriel’s reaction is screaming ‘shut up, you’re ruining everything’ but he doesn’t realize. And then Gabriel walks off and home to get his powder to make Clark forget about him. Which is not really all that nice. I gotta agree with Ruby, maybe just dump people instead. Clearly Gabriel is a boy with commitment issues, with sky-high walls around himself, and shying away from emotional confrontation. 

We return to present time, the trio has jumped out a window with magical orbs in their mouths, and Nathan and Gabriel push each other away as if the other person was gross. Cute. Gabriel asks for some trans-fucking-parancy, which of course he doesn’t get. He has these items that are precious to him - we later know that the book from his mother is what really matters. He mentions everything else, the vintage golden lighter, russian pornography etc. Annalise comes with a lighter as a peace offering, with a new favourite line from Gabriel - ‘I didn’t say I didn’t want it, I said I wasn’t grateful’. Look at this angry cat.

And you know what I didn’t notice the first time I watched this episode? When they cut back to Soul at Gabriel’s apartment, he is playing with Gabriel’s golden lighter. 

Gabriel has guessed that Annalise’s power is something deadly, and offers her a joint (his second peace offering - kitty is warming up to her). Interestingly, when Annalise says her power is decimation, Gabriel replies that not a lot of fairborn witches have that power. This adds to the suspicion that there is something more to her power. I have seen a theory that her mother is not really controlling water - Annalise herself says that she has never really seen her mother do much with it. But I think that it is more likely that Soul had something to do with it. He seems to have understood what she has done to Beef and the pocket watch, but he doesn’t seem all that surprised. Now she has killed a person, and of course he knows what has happened, but he blames blood witches. Easy enough. Blood witches are all wild, murderous psychopaths, aren’t they?

This episode also features Gabriel in jail, and this man is just so freakin hot in these scenes. Is it the leather strappy thing over the blue turtle neck?? The no-fucks-to-give-attitude?? The french dialogue? I am so happy they are giving us real french people and not just running all lines in english. I love hearing Gabriel talk french with the other people. 

We also see Jessica torturing the pirate man. Soul thinks it’s appropriate to give this task to a 17 year old recruit, telling her that he thinks she can be ruthless too. Of course she can, she is a psychopath being rewarded for hurting people. And she looks at him like the father she never had. They truly deserve each other. 

Another interesting part is when the truth comes out about who Nathan is. Annalise had been drinking all episode and can’t hold her tongue. Nathan continues the idiocy by sharing the prophecy that he is supposed to kill his father, the hero of the blood witches. This is where I get curios as to how Gabriel’s mind works. He leaves them, fed up with not knowing what is happening, and lets his french friends take them to the bar where the cut is. Does Gabriel realise already that they are likely to try to kill Nathan? When he turns back, he doesn’t seem surprised to have to fight. Did he just have to evaluate if he felt like fighting his friends for N&A or not? I’m glad the lighter made him think he should, but I also find it a little hard to believe, considering how they seemed to be pretty tight earlier. Would Mercury maybe be angry with him, if he let Nathan die?

So by the end, Gabriel has his book back, he has wiped creepy Clark’s memory, he has saved Annalise and Nathan, made enemies out of his friends, and he can never come back to that bar, which he loved. But at least now all the cards are on the table, right???

And Gabriel is his sassy stray cat self again, but ready to see this thing through til the end. Look at that, character growth already in his second episode. 

[unlimitedbutchworks]

can you explain why you hate callout posts?

yeah i grew out of them and am an adult now i guess? realized that a lot of them are just people taking shots at each other over stuff that really doesnt need to be publicized, and beyond that, i dislike the concept; whats the point? to sever someones online social connections and network? to make some 'take accountability', whatever that means (usually self flagellate and demonstrate pain)? i just think they make it easier to class morality through disgust, especially when it comes to kink, which is just bad politics and sex negative

i dont think theyre necessarily evil, like ive seen more purposeful posts that could be described as callouts spreading awareness about a popular users bigoted views (like sharing and so-and-so is a zionist with xyz proof, or that fotm blogger has said some nasty shit about something or other and doubles down on it when given the chance), but overall i think theyre a negative.

like maybe this is just me showing off my existence as an anxious transfem who was on here when callouts were a bigger thing but they often created a sense of panopticon, of a need to self discipline because someone could be sitting elsewhere ready to catch a lapse of judgement, or worse, someone in the future could be cyberstalking and scrolling into nonsense from years ago to ""compile receipts"". like privacy is a good thing but callouts push against that

they make an easy separation of in group outgroup which is okay sometimes for like cryptoterfs and shit but for normal people all this does is create the sense that growth isnt possible nor desirable. if this werent the case then we wouldnt see people prompting and poking at inconvenient people (often trans in an unpopular way or otherwise less of a person) to say cancellable things, but like, that very definitely did and maybe still does happen

[sayingyournames]

Omg where to start. I have already been punched in the heart over and over with just this first chapter of ywlm. I guess here are just some rambling thoughts?

- that hello kitty boombox. Something that was a symbol of the role you could never fulfill, but also gave you the first thing you could really claim: music. And now claiming it as a tether to your Inner Child, to keep what you choose of Little Sirius and spend some time seeing him and telling him "it's going to be ok see we have our boom box our stuffie our proof we were a child once we existed and that childood happened and now I'm the grown up I'm here and I'm going to take care of you"

-I am ill for the Black brothers and always will be. The "I'm proud of you" is truly the most emotionally poignant thing a younger sibling in a family like that can say to their elder sibling who doesn't quite fit the mold. And the gender validation "big brother" I cry and laugh and celebrate so intensely with Sirius there. And how Sirius wants to protect Reggie but Sirius needs his own protection more than Regulus does. That's a brutal reality for an older sibling: because your younger sibling "fits the mold," they will be more ok than you will be if you don't save yourself. You have to give up the one role you did have: big sibling. Protector.

- the shopping scene omg. I was curious what reading this would feel like, since I am not trans but have major body ish leftover from growing up in the 00's and my god. Wonky sizing, feeling overwhelmed, being able to pick your own clothes instead of your mother doing it and not knowing where to start. I was FEELING Sirius there. It was giving the fitting room in the junior's section of Macy's. And I loved seeing him be brave and pick that skirt because he LIKED it and he could PICTURE himself in it, and start to dream about presenting the way HE wants rather than having to miserably exist in these extreme binaries to try to make things easier for everyone else except himself.

- ok last but not least the queer gaze from James and Remus. I don't know if your James is going to be queer but to me, juxtaposing those two moments side by side is Sirius's introduction to the other side of the mirror, the queer spaces where he will be fully seen and loved for the first time. The fact that just the way they *looked* at Sirius was clocked as Different from how anyone had ever looked at Sirius before, like "he wasn't a problem to solve" (and I'm going to come back to that line), to me that puts all three of them on the queer playing field so to speak. I am wicked pumped for the found family vibes.

-and ok REMUS. Having a boy look at you like that and making you feel like LIKE YOU AREN'T A PROBLEM TO SOLVE is a big fucking deal for an AFAB or femme teen in 2005. I've written about this. A lot. Living under the male gaze is so all-encompassing, it's like the very air you breathe from the moment you're born. And it's not until you're a teen that you realize the implications of it, but in 2005, you have no idea where the exit is. You're just stuck in this maze trying to use whatever tools you have to find some reprieve from having your body always being the first and most important thing that is noticed about you-- like maybe being a "tomboy," or in my case, leaning into purity culture and patriarchal hyper-femininity. I LOVE that Remus is going to be part of that "exit sign" for Sirius- like turn here onto Lupin Avenue for unconditional acceptance and whatever the opposite of objectification is.

Um ok hope this wasn't too much but I've said before I learn so much from your writing so I wanted to share what Things you are making me Think. Can't wait to read more!!!!

okay putting this under a cut bc my response is sooooo long <3

hi hello i’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this - i just haven’t had the time to really sit down and give it the kind of attention it deserves!

the BOOMBOX. one of the first things i pictured when i started writing this was sirius’s boombox. bc Little Sirius needed something to cling onto that he could make his, and that could carry over into their new life. its basically a character in itself lmao i an very attached to The Boombox

sibling dynamics are so important to me. i am the youngest, though, and so when i write about regulus and sirius it’s a flipped situation from mine - i was younger and did not fit in and my sibling was older and Normal. but yes, regulus is very aware that he needs to be a support system for sirius, and all he really needs FROM sirius is for them to be around. they’ll get there. 

a lot of fics (that i love and re-read all the time) explore sirius acting out and like, getting tattoed and stuff once they’re allowed to make their own decisions. in ywlm, sirius is acting against what his parents want, but in the way he can just - let his body exist however he wants to and it does not answer to anyone but them. there are a few other scenes coming up where we get to hang out with sirius while they do a 2000s shopping montage and i love thm.

my james IS queer, yes. everyone is queer to me at this point tbh! a similar thing happens in chapter 2 where like - quuer people just SEE each other, in a way that’s hard to explain to anyone who isn’t. sirius deserves a bizarre little family of misfits and he will get one. i

REMUS oh i LOVE him. he’s so soft in this. also like, it’s weird bc sirius isn’t as aware of that gaze bc he grew up with parents who didn’t really let them out of the house. like they know that it’s bc their parents see him as a girl and treat them differently but he won’t really connect the dots for a minute. so like, for them it’s more of a gender thing. very similar to how it was for me. i’ll go into this a lil more in depth later on, but. anyway REMUS i love the idea of him just being Some Guy and like he’s objectively handsome but sirius doesn’t fall for him bc of that, he falls for remus bc he gets them, exactly as they are. they’re so good for each other i’m :’)

anyway no it’s never too much, thank you so so much for reading my silly little fic. i LOVE talking about it, and i will continue to do so with any and everyone who will let me lol xx 

[beta-lactam-allergic]

I'm pretty sure Christianity states the angels asked Mary first before the Christian G-d went with the impregnating her (I'm pretty sure that was Gospel of Luke). If it's done without the woman knowing beforehand, I'm assuming we are dealing with a deity from a polytheistic faith. Zeus is a great candidate as he's known for just these sorts of rapey scenarios.

Now if I was the one pregnant. I don't have a womb, or ovaries, being a transwoman, so if I suddenly had a womb in which a baby could grow, yeah, I'm assuming supernatural interference there. For the record, I'm an atheist as I've seen no evidence that deities exist. But I would certainly change my mind on the account of new evidence like suddenly being pregnant. I am also really questioning this deity's judgement in making me a mother as I have ADHD, Autism, Anxiety & SPD, which combined are going to make it difficult for me to actually raise a child.

So I would go along with whatever this deity wanted, as if they can impregnate a transwoman on a whim, I don't want to see what they can do when they are angry. That means the baby gets born & I'm going to stick around to raise it even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to suck at being a mother.

Assuming they didn't grant me a birth canal (yeah I had bottom surgery, but that's for a hole that you can stick dilators, sex toys or penises into, not have a whole baby come out of), priority one is to go to doctors & make sure to organise a C-Section.

Priority 2 is getting enough money to raise a child. I guess I will sell my story to the media, get interviews, a book deal, etc. As I didn't really want to raise a kid, I'm not going to become a priestess for whichever deity made me pregnant, as I won't be happy with the disruption to my life plans. Also I'm not going to be the priestess for a deity that I'm pretty sure is dumber than I am, if they can't figure out why I'm not a good choice for a mother when even I can see why I am a poor choice.

Than I guess it's seeing if the deity in question gave me working milk ducts in my breasts or if I need to buy formula milk. Maybe convince a potential worshipper (regardless of me not becoming a priestess, I have proof whatever deity did this to me is real, there are going to be converts) to be my wetnurse if I'm incapable.

My Mum is still alive, so I could always ask for advice on raising a kid, though she would be as baffled as I am over why a divine entity would choose me to birth their child. Even before I told my parents that I am trans, they never pressured me to marry or have kids because they didn't think I could handle raising kids. They only told me that was why they never pressured me on that front after I thanked them for never pressuring me on that, but yeah.

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION to answer even if you're not a virgin: somehow, you become pregnant as a virgin. you don't know anything about the origin and nature of the pregnancy beyond this. that is to say you have no way of actually knowing if this is a son of god situation.

[lycandrophile]

every day i think about how my old psychiatrist (who was notoriously horrible on many levels, to be clear) tried to convince me to stay on the antidepressants i was coming off of when i told her i was starting testosterone because she was convinced that i’d be incapable of handling the “intense mood swings” that she said it would cause if i was unmedicated

mind you, i was coming off of these meds because they were doing absolutely fucking nothing for me and she had fought me on stopping them every step of the way — in her mind, me starting t was the perfect chance to make one final (transphobic) push against my desire to stop putting completely pointless drugs in my body

she consistently referred to hrt as me “going on steroids” and told me with every ounce of condescending concern she could muster that she had never had a patient start t without being on antidepressants (as if i was supposed to see that fact as anything other than further proof that her main goal as a psychiatrist was just to make as much money as possible by pushing meds on people)

i tried to explain to her that countless trans people i’d talked to had said that being on t made them feel more emotionally stable, not less, and that i had already chosen a method of hrt that would minimize hormonal fluctuations as much as possible, but she wouldn’t believe me — there’s no question in my mind that she just saw me as a ~naive little girl who didn’t understand how testosterone could make my life hell~

and of course, my mom jumped on that idea and started telling me about how it’s not that she doesn’t like that i’m trans, it’s just that she’s ~so worried~ about what the ~big bad testosterone~ might to to my ~poor fragile mental health~

and when i started t, i was terrified that they would be proven right

now i’m 5 months on t (and a few months post-ending that doctor-patient relationship as well) and what do you know? my mood is better than ever! my therapist (who has known me far longer and actually cares about my well-being) says she’s never seen me this happy, and that she feels like i’m actually living for the first time! it’s been incredible!

in fact, i’ve come to the realization that i most likely had premenstrual dysphoric disorder before t, and that it was contributing to a huge percentage of my mental breakdowns and suicidal thoughts, so it seems there were hormones causing mood swings that i couldn’t handle without proper treatment after all, but testosterone isn’t the cause of those issues — turns out it’s the treatment i desperately needed to manage them!

and after some research and hearing from other people, i’ve learned that it wasn’t all anecdotal after all, because some studies have actually found evidence to support the idea that testosterone has antidepressant effects — i told my therapist that testosterone felt the way the antidepressants i had been on were supposed to feel, but i had no clue there was science to back that up

so now i’m just left being endlessly furious with the way testosterone is demonized as some horrible poisonous drug that will destroy your mental health along with everything else in your life, because being on it has improved my quality of life exponentially and that alone makes being on it SO worthwhile, but no one ever gets to see that side of being on t because they’re so busy drumming up fear about how it’ll wreck your moods instead

of course, that’s not to say some people don’t experience serious mood swings on t, because i would never deny someone else’s experience with their own body and mind, and i think it’s important that people know those effects are possible when they start t

what i AM saying is that i would guess that if you looked at pure numbers, more people have probably had a really positive experience like mine than a seriously negative one, and it’s very telling that the negative ones are portrayed as a universal part of being on t despite seemingly being a smaller percentage when you actually talk to lots of trans people, while the positive ones are portrayed as a fluke at best and impossible or even deceptive at worst despite being a really common theme in trans people’s accounts of being on t

testosterone is medicine. testosterone is healing.

it doesn’t solve all our problems — i’m certainly far from cured of all my mental health issues — but it sure as hell lightens the load, and i’m sick and tired of people acting like it’s a horrible thing and not the fucking miracle worker that it is for some of us

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading every article in my twitter likes part 3

part one part two

took a break to bake some cookies and read a few chapters of Darcie Little Badger's new YA novel, but now it's back to the grind. for those of you playing along at home, I've made it as far back as my likes from early November 2021.

article 41: "Twitter Is The Worst Reader" by noted Fonda Lee on the twitterish tendency to assume the worst of everyone - particularly women, people of color, and other marginalized folks - at all times. of particular note is this scathing observation of twitter mobs demanding apologies from the targets of their harassment: "Never in the history of Twitter have I ever seen an apology be accepted or actually reduce the abuse leveled. One hundred percent of the time, they are dissected for inadequacy and insincerity, held up as proof of the offender’s malicious intent all along, and used as kindling to further fan the flames."

pried from behind the cold and unforgiving paywall of the New York Times it's article 42: "The Mark Zuckerberg Aesthetic" by Amanda Hess. I'm so tired of this utterly banal cyberpunk dystopia. there's not even any neon. and I would rather swallow a live iguana than ever have to interact with Zuck's shitty little metaverse.

article 43: "We Were Too Stupid for Jennifer's Body" by twitter user @/SamFateKeeper. did NOT expect this to talk so much about post-9/11 conservatism but I love the journey I've been taken on.

anyway probably should have mentioned that we've crossed the line back into tweets from October 2021.

article 44: "Thackery Binx is not Trans Masc, Sorry, and Neither is Rufio, or the Concept of Jonathan Taylor Thomas" from Julian K. Jarboe's substack. what a buckwild analysis of... something? characters that transmasc dudes of a certain age tend to project onto? also just a fantastic series of digs at poor useless Thackery Binx.

article 45: "New roots: Black musicians and advocates are forging coalitions outside the system" by Jewly Hight at NPR (our first NPRticle!). incredibly exciting to discover so many of my faves in this article - Amythyst Kiah! Yola!! Lizzie No!!! - discussing the way they've fought for space in a genre so heavily dominated by white artists. also a lot of cool new names to know - go listen to Roberta Lea n o w.

you guys are not gonna believe this but article 46 is ANOTHER entry from Ijeoma Oluo's substack. this time it's "All Of the Outrage You Could Ever Want." it's about "cancel culture," it's about accountability, it's about hierarchies of perceived value, you know the drill.

article 47: back to BuzzFeed for another article by Scaachi Koul, "Emily Ratajkowski’s New Book Tests The Limits Of Self-Awareness." an unsurprising and very fair criticism of Ratajkowski's essay collection, which I am still very much looking forward to reading based on my great appreciation of her September 2020 essay in New York Mag about experiences with an exploitative photographer. I don't need to her to solve the conundrum of benefitting from her objectification; I'm content to pick a stranger's brain.

article 48: speaking New York Mag, we've got "You Can Still Say 'Woman' But You Shouldn't Stop There" by Irin Carmon. I've never in my life seen such an impressive collection of pissbaby justifications for refusing to use inclusive language to talk about reproductive rights. grow up lmao.

article 49: everyone stop sharing that fake Bible verse about how Jesus was transmasc and read this article by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg queering Joseph of the infamous technicolor dreamcoat.

article 50 (can you BELIEVE I've done 50 of these? 40 of which I've read over the course of a single Saturday?): the intriguingly titled "The Politics of 'Jewface'" by Rebecca Pierce at Jewish Currents. an almost undeservedly thoughtful response to some comments that, at a guess, Sarah Silverman did not think about for more than approximately 0.003 seconds before making.

[silverthetheorist]

Wilbur returning as a writer is good (and why it will be an uphill battle)

I am back I guess. I disappeared for a while, which I tend to do. Anyways, my point today is explaining why Wilbur returning as the writer of the SMP is the best possible thing for the server. I’ve seen a lot of hate towards Wilbur and his writing, people say it was too focused on his own character and leaving everyone else out except for Tommy, to which I say.... Have you seen Season 2? They could have renamed the SMP the “Tommy, Techno, and no one else SMP”

Before showing proof to how Wilbur can improve the storyline let me talk about the Final Disk War Arc for a bit:

- It was very good!.... Until you start thinking about it for a little bit. When everyone showed up to say goodbye to Tommy and Tubbo and the Endgame moment were good, but then you remember half of those character either hate Tommy, barely interacted with him or have nothing to do with the plot of Season 2 (Because everyone who was not called Tommy, Techno and Dream were left out). So yeah, those moments are good on their own

- When Tommy starts listing all the horrible things Dream has done to everyone in the server and can’t think of any besides a joke about Quackity not wearing clothes... Even they know no one had any stake in the plot jesus

-Dream ending up in the prison was the perfect ending. Anyone else ending in that prison would not have made sense from a story perspective. Glad they dodged that narrative bullet. 

Really, the Final Disk War made me realise the biggest problem with season 2. The exile arc is very good... on its own. Doomsday was very g- hahahahaah... I’m kidding Doomsday is the only bad bad event on the SMP. And the Final Disk War is also very good. But when you put it all together.... it just doesn’t fit. This is a classic example of something being worse than the sum of its parts (Not sure if I am using that phrase correctly but you get the point... hopefully). Each arc on its own is fairly competent but how did Techno’s execution affect the rest of the arcs? How was the Final Disk War affected by prior arcs? It lacks cohesiveness and consistent themes.  

Now I have two more things to say before I give Wilbur his credit: 

- I’ve mentioned Eret, Fundy and Nicki a lot because I think they were great characters with a lot of potential. But, as we know, the story completely ignored them in favor of Dream, Techno and Tommy (Even Tubbo was sidelined for most of the Story). I am not insinuating anything, but something about one of the few LGBT CC of the server, one of the two women of the server and the only (I think) canonically trans characters being left out of the story they have been a part of since the beginning just... doesn’t feel right to me. 

- I LOVE Ranboo. You can see the passion and dedication he puts in his story and I love it. But, has he really done anything? Like... that affects the plot. He grieffed George’s house with Tommy but you can cut him out of it and nothing changes? Same with blowing up the community house, you can just say it was Dream and cut Ranboo’s character all together. If you can remove a character and the plot does not change then that is a bad character. And this is not Ranboo’s fault, you can tell how passionate he is and he is definitely the best actor of the SMP (Low bar there but whatever), but the Storyline says: No, your character cannot actually do anything. This also fits together with the Eret, Fundy and Nicki situation: A character giving his opinion and feeling over an event is not a character being involved in the plot. That is a reactionary character that never affects anything but is delegated to just reacting to the plot other characters move. Sad.

Now. How can Wilbur fix all of this? The evidence can be seen on his failed resurrection. He went directly to Eret to ask for help. That is the key to everything. 

Tommy is the main character. There is no changing that this far into the story. But by writing stories that involve other characters you include them. Big shocker there, I know. Season 2 was more character centric (Although not in a good way), the problem is that character centric stories cannot handle that many characters. Wilbur has said that he prefers geopolitical plots and why is that? A country has many people, not only one. if you built and open narrative, it allows for anyone who want to be included in the story to... well, be included. And a story being more geopolitical does not mean it is not character centric, but a character-centric story cannot be geopolitical. 

Why did I mention him asking Eret for help before Philza joining in? Because it is simple thing like that the way to go to include other characters. If you invite another CC into your lore event, then that CC can develop how his character interacts and grows from that event. You see this with Eret, he shows regret over the betray, he shows his love for Fundy and his respect for Wilbur. It really is not that hard to do, which makes everything season 2 has done way more infuriating. The ONE thing Wilbur decides in season 2 showed more skill that anything in season 1 (Kind of an exaggeration but you get the point). 

So to summarize, Wilbur will improve season 3 in two ways: Writing a bigger narrative that sustains more character and inviting said left-out characters to help out on events that they may not really have a lot of stake in. 

Why it will be an uphill battle you ask? Because they got rid of L’manberg. The geopolitical stuff is barely present anymore. And season 2 negative’s will still affect the future of the SMP forever just as the strength’s of season 1 impacted the mix reception season 2 had.

PS: English. Me make mistakes sometimes. Me sorry. Also sorry if I rambled a bit too much. Head full. 

PS2: The egg plot is cool and new and refreshing. But I cannot say it is very good until I see what the emotional core of the story is. It is still fairly new so I will give it the benefit of the doubt. 

PS3: Sorry if I was too negative again, but there are already so many people pointing out the good things about the SMP. This fandom forgets that they are allowed to not like things, and disagree with the CC. I see many post per day saying things like: If CC does this (Insert stupid idea) then we (Their viewers who they have to appease in some way or another) we CANNOT COMPLAIN EVER. Like, no. Have some critical thinking and point out bad when you see it, I know this fandom is capable of it but many suppress critical thinking in this fandom in favor of very weird hive-mind ideas. 

PS4: Dream’s song is not it. I am sorry. 

[icaruskey]

the people defending saint/dead-dyke via “it’s just a harmless kink/that’s his private sex life/he doesn’t REALLY feel that way about lesbians” are unhinged. It’s not hard to grasp that having kinks related to a marginalized group you aren’t apart of is fetishistic. He’s also been violently antiblack, used an anti indigenous slur despite not being native, and was found to have an incestuous atla side blog that focused on zuko raping azula. you should not be defending this man or his supporters!

Honey, if you think the fetish shit that got forcibly outed from his locked, private smut blog to smear his name (you know, totally thrusting kink shit into the faces of people who neither asked for it and some of which are likely underage) is anywhere near the level of some of the smut I write for $$$, well I got some news for you.

I went and looked at the callout post just to make sure I've got my cards right and will be explicitly telling you why I don't give a shit below this readmore. You know, to keep people who don't want to read this the option not to. Because I'm going to be explicit, at least about myself.

Oh and thank you, dear, because I've been itching to dissect why exactly this is bullshit from an actual adult's perspective.

It’s not hard to grasp that having kinks related to a marginalized group you aren’t apart of is fetishistic. First, I feel the need to remind you that this shit was password protected. Secondly, all the interactions there were completely consensual and some didn't even originate from Saint. Third, this shit was password protected. All this shit? Wasn't out there for the public eye. And guess what? Saint is trans. He's "part" of this community whether you like it or not.

Oh, right, he's not the correct sort of trans to have fetishes over corrective rape and misgendering, at least the type that was leaked from his password fucking protected blog. Whilst I am not familiar with Saint's history or what he's put out there for the public to know -- you know, not hidden behind a password like his kink stuff was -- I have a feeling his story is like many trans men's. He thought he was a girl for awhile, maybe he had some traumatic sexual experiences, maybe he ID as a lesbian before finally figuring out wtf he was.

You can't take away a person's history no matter how much or how little they desire to share with you. Also you're greatly ignoring the vast amount of fetishes out there that people do genuinely have. Do you know how many women have rape fantasies? About 62%, with many having a rape fantasy as much as once a week.

Me, myself, my introduction to reading porn was through corrective rape fantasies. Slap me in handcuffs now officer! Clearly the fact I have fantasies about corrective rape towards a myriad of different sorts of people means that I believe this shit and it affects how I feel about those same groups irl.

He’s also been violently antiblack Proof?

used an anti indigenous slur despite not being native I'll take this seriously when people start doing mass callouts for omegaverse consumers in general and it's not explicitly towards a trans man and it's getting lumped in with a lot of other bullshit points.

Like maybe he was a little defensive, but I have no idea when he was told ABO was a slur, so if it was after shit started getting leaked, then I don't blame him for being prickly. And there's plenty of cis people who make and consume omegaverse that haven't been talked to soooooo

found to have an incestuous atla side blog that focused on zuko raping azula I mean, the blog was called jeeko, for fuck's sake. I don't think the focus was a reblog of someone else's fantasy, yanno? Also, they're fictional characters. I've seen much worse.

You're just bringing the purity police out of my 14 year old's promise ring concert into fandom spaces and that's fucking weird m'dude. Like, do you realize that? I've watched the internet go from a place where I could consume whatever the fuck I wanted, so long as I understood how to get through the gates, to people posting MLP porn so much that an internet wide cleanup had to be initiated to put it behind the gates again. And instead of people realizing that the gates are good, cause it protects kids and makes it harder for teens to just stumble across the stuff, this kept escalating to today, where it's wrong to admit that you have ships that don't fit perfectly into a "safe" narrative.

You're basically Google. You're censoring everything to make it as vanilla and palatable as possible because you don't think that people can handle thinking critically about what they consume to the point you're erasing queer experiences and history. You're those old school news channels 15-20 years ago decrying video games making people more violent and completely ignoring the truth. You're, in short, an idiot.

I do believe kinks, fetishes, etc should be behind closed walls. Passwords, tags, things that make it easy for people to block and/or ignore. I also don't think it's okay to force kink into someone's face or to make them part of your fetish. Which is why I'm telling you and anyone else who got this far (and those who haven't really):

I get off on anon hate. Your anger makes my T-Dick hard and this bussy wet. Please, kinkshame me all you want. Your humiliation is my fetish and spite is why I'm still alive. The more stupidity you feed me, the stronger I get.

And when the stupidity stops, I'll just talk about how trans men have unique struggles in the world and maybe the lateral aggression will stop long enough for people to listen about why it's not okay for trans femme people to go into trans masc DM's and ask for their body parts.

[madam-melon-meow]

Bisexual Kyoshi is something that can be so personal, actually

Panel edit by @flagellasturbation

[image I.D. : An edit of a comic panel of avatar Kyoshi. On the left in the image is a close-up of Kyoshi from the torso up, contained within an upside-down trapezoid shape. She wears her full battle uniform of olive and emerald robes, dark gloves and bracers, and a golden headpiece in a fan-like shape. Her eyes are the same emerald shade as her robes, she has black hair billowing to the left edge of the image, and her black eyebrows have been dramatically lengthened by black face paint. Her face and neck are artificially whitened with chalky makeup, she has black winged eyeliner, red eyeshadow that sweeps upwards to her temples and down the sides of her nose, and red lipstick outlined in black. This is the classic Kyoshi makeup. Her arms are crossed, the left arm behind her head pointing a golden fan away from the viewer, the right arm extended in front of her face, another golden fan pointed towards the viewer. She appears to be looking upwards and towards the right of the image. Above Kyoshi’s eye level and in the top right of the image is a comic text box. It reads in all caps: “even avatar Kyoshi- who by all accounts loved men and women- was unable to effect any kind of real progress.” The background art and color has been replaced with the Bisexual Flag, a thick horizontal line of pink on top, stopping at Kyoshi’s cheek level, then a thinner line of purple ending at her shoulders, and a thick line of blue that extends to the bottom of the image. End I.D.]

(If someone does not find my image I.D. sufficient, please let me know. This is my first time trying to make such a thing, as i am a lurker, not a poster)

Rise of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee, page 99 (text copy / pasted from the b&n ebook version)

““Are those . . . fire lilies?” he said, a wide, knowing grin spreading across his face.

Kyoshi flushed beet red. “Stop it,” she said.

“That’s right,” Yun said. “The Ember Island tourism minister brought a bunch when he visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe you simply shred the flowers once they dry out. I guess nothing goes to waste in this house.”

“Knock it off,” Kyoshi snapped. But it was too hard keeping the corners of her lips from curling upward.

“Knock what off?” he said, enjoying her reaction. “I’m just commenting on a fragrance I’ve come to particularly enjoy.”

It was an inside reference that only the two of them shared. Rangi didn’t know. She hadn’t been there in the gifting room eight months ago while Kyoshi arranged a vast quantity of fire lilies sent by an admiral in the Fire Navy, one of Hei-Ran’s friends.

Yun had spent the afternoon watching Kyoshi work. Against every scrap of her better judgment, she’d allowed him to lie down on the floor and rest his head in her lap while she plucked deformed leaves and trimmed stems to the right length. Had anyone caught the two of them like that, there would have been a scandal that not even the Avatar could have recovered from.

That day, entranced by Yun’s upside-down features dappled with the flower petals she’d teasingly sprinkled over his face, she’d almost leaned down and kissed him. And he knew it. Because he’d almost reached up and kissed her.

They never spoke of it afterward, the shared impulse that had nearly crashed both of their carriages. It was too . . . well, they each had their duties was a good way to put it. That moment did not fit anywhere among their responsibilities.

But since then, whenever the two of them were in the presence of fire lilies, Yun’s eyes would dart toward the flowers repeatedly until he was sure Kyoshi noticed. She would try unsuccessfully to keep a straight face, the heat coloring her neck, and he’d sigh as if to mourn what could have been.

Today was no different. With a wistful blush on his own cheeks, Yun stared her down until her defenses broke and she let out a giggle through her nose.

“There’s that beautiful smile,” he said. He pressed his heels into the floor, sliding up against the wall, and straightened his rumpled shirt. “Kyoshi, trust me when I say this: If it turns out not to be me, I’ll be glad it’s you.”

~~~~~~~~~

Rise of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee, page 210 (text copy / pasted from the b&n ebook version)

“You think you don’t deserve peace and happiness and good things, but you do!” Rangi yelled. “You, Kyoshi! Not the Avatar, but you!”

She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around Kyoshi’s waist. The embrace was a clever way to hide her face.

“Do you have any idea how painful it’s been for me to follow you on this journey where you’re so determined to punish yourself?” she said. “Watching you treat yourself like an empty vessel for revenge, when I’ve known you since you were a servant girl who couldn’t bend a pebble? The Avatar can be reborn. But you can’t, Kyoshi. I don’t want to give you up to the next generation. I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

Kyoshi realized she’d had it all wrong. Rangi was a true believer. But her greatest faith had been for her friends, not her assignment. She pulled Rangi in closer. She thought she heard a slight, contented sigh come from the other girl.

“I wish I could give you your due,” Rangi muttered after some time had passed. “The wisest teachers. Armies to defend you. A palace to live in.”

Kyoshi raised an eyebrow. “The Avatar gets a palace?”

“No, but you deserve one.”

“I don’t need it,” Kyoshi said. She smiled into Rangi’s hair, the soft strands caressing her lips. “And I don’t need an army. I have you.”

Psh,” Rangi scoffed. “A lot of good I’ve been so far. If I were better at my job you would never feel scared. Only loved. Adored by all.”

Kyoshi gently nudged Rangi’s chin upward. She could no more prevent herself from doing this than she could keep from breathing, living, fearing.

“I do feel loved,” she declared.

Rangi’s beautiful face shone in reflection. Kyoshi leaned in and kissed her.

A warm glow mapped Kyoshi’s veins. Eternity distilled in a single brush of skin. She thought she would never be more alive than now.

And then—

The shock of hands pushing her away. Kyoshi snapped out of her trance, aghast.

Rangi had flinched at the contact. Repelled her. Viscerally, reflexively.

Oh no. Oh no.

This couldn’t—not after everything they’d been through—this couldn’t be how it—

Kyoshi shut her eyes until they hurt. She wanted to shrink until she vanished within the cracks of the earth. She wanted to become dust and blow away in the wind.

But the sound of laughter pulled her back. Rangi was coughing, drowning herself with her own tears and mirth. She caught her breath and retook Kyoshi by the hips, turning to the side, offering up the smooth, unblemished skin of her throat.

“That side of my face is busted up, stupid,” she whispered in the darkness. “Kiss me where I’m not hurt.”

~~~~~

I include both these quotes because i've seen a few posts about the “gigantic lesbian” avatar, and although i am glad my sapphic sisters feel connected to Kyoshi (as well they should!), that doesn't mean i wish to simply be quiet on the matter of her textual bisexuality. I understand that not everyone has read her novels, nor has everyone read legend of Korra comics, but Kyoshi is *textually* bisexual.

Kyoshi had a loving romantic relationship with her firebending friend Rangi, but this does not erase her feelings for her earthbending friend Yun, even if neither of them were able to properly express it due to their respective “status”. (For context if you haven’t read, the masters believed that Yun was the avatar, and though he was bodyguarded by Rangi, and though Kyoshi was his servent, the three of them were simiar ages and thus close friends until the discovery of Kyoshi’s true ability destroyed their former lives). Hell, Kyoshi and Rangi do not become intimate until after fleeing their former lives. Who is to say what would have happened, had Yun not been captured by father glowworm ?

I know that there is a chance you will scoff at this, will write this off as comphet, accuse me of disproportionately weighting an almost-kiss with a true relationship, but these above quotes (as well as the comic panel from “the legend of korra: turf wars- part 1”) serve as proof that Kyoshi, “by all accounts loved men and women” (see panel directly below)

[image I.D. : the same comic panel as the edit above, this one without the bisexual flag edited in. Directly behind Kyoshi, within the upside-down trapezoid shape, is an olive to lime gradient, darker around her head and lighter near the bottom. Around and to the right in the image, outside of the trapezoid, is an aerial shot of buildings within an Earth Kingdom city, and what appears to be the lines of troops on the ground far below. the text box in the image is the same, but I have underlined the word “men” in blue, the word “and” in purple, and the word “women” in pink, to reflect the bisexual flag. End I.D.]

I am making such a big deal over this because Kyoshi is a massive figure, her long shadow cast over Aang’s life alongside Roku’s, and even before her novels came out there were often jokes about her “bloodthirsty” nature. I implore you to read the novels and see why Kyoshi believed in deadly justice at times, but also so you can see what a dynamic, loving, and beautiful character she is.

Some members of fandom have taken a “step on me” attitude towards Kyoshi, who has, even if the 7 feet tall thing is more fanon than canon, been explicitly described as “exceptionally tall”, and “towering” over others. This “strong woman who will break me and I thank them” attitude is one that butch &/or physically imposing sapphics, as well as trans women with similar statures to Kyoshi have expressed discomfort when applied to themselves and characters like them. I would love for more people to acknowledge her flaws and multi-faceted nature, that she is more than a “warrior goddess”, just as Aang is more than a living relic. Flattening her out to the easily-fetishable parts erases the depth of her character and the complexity of circumstances that led to the instances of deadly force.

There are very few bisexual characters in media, especially women, and especially in children’s media. Bisexual women have often been caricatured as loose, promiscuous, good for a threesome and not much else. (This is mot to say that i think any lesser of my fellow bisexuals who are proudly promiscious, nor can an actual live bisexual person be considered a stereotype for living their life, but media’s portayal of us as obsessed with desire is incredibly harmful). Knowing that a strong, beautiful, and important character in the avatar universe is a bisexual woman is amazing, even more so to have her first lady-love described in the novels with such care. F. C. Yee, the author of these novels, has my eternal gratitude. I sincerely hope that the new generation of fans, whether they are drawn to the cartoon or even the hypothetical live action show, will pick up these novels and discover the kind of bisexual character that I wish existed in my early days as a reader, and if a small fraction of them resonate with Kyoshi’s reciprocal on Yun and love for Rangi, then the world becomes a little bit brighter for it.

I mentioned her importance for the simple reason that Kyoshi IS important with the text of ATLA. As one of the avatars, she is one of the most historically important figures in that universe, one of the few avatars that Aang knows by name, and one of the only avatars to speak through his body. The fact that she has two whole novels to herself testifies to that effect, making her bisexual representation all the more important than a simple background character might be. 

If or when the ATLA live action tv show occurs, we can expect some mention of Kyoshi. After all, there is a whole episode dedicated to exploring one of her missions, and the way that the descendants of her enemy have recolored history. It is my sincere desire that enough discussion is made about her canon bisexuality , that fandom trumphets it from the roof with as much force as crackshipping zukka, that when she does make it to the screen, there is some subtle nod in her bisexuality’s direction, even if it is something as meta as casting a bisexual actress for her. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

edit by @flagellasturbation​

[image I.D. : An edit of a comic panel of avatar Kyoshi. This is like the first image, Kyoshi and the text box of the comic panel untouched, the background color and art replaced with the bisexual flag. However, this version has the words “by all accounts” blown up large and placed diagonally in the image, directly under Kyoshi’s face and stretching from one side of the image to the other. The bottom third of the image is similarly obscured, the words  “men” , “and” , “women” blown up large enough to fill the panel and cover most of Kyoshi’s torso, as well as the purple and blue areas of the background flag. End I.D.]

[hgsn-moved]

saiki, aiura, and/or toritsuka from saiki k?

Saiki

Sexuality Headcanon: gay ^_^ he has a solid canon backing as ace/aro but I've run the numbers on it and he's gay <3

Gender Headcanon: he's canonically trans and it shows <3 i like genderfluid hcs for him but I also like the idea of kuriko being him just going alright I gotta focus im shifting into girl mode

A ship I have with said character: satou... they r everything. that's his lame ass boyfriend. his just some guy. i want what they have

A BROTP I have with said character: ME. but in terms of actual characters I really like his and akechi's relationship (from what I've absorbed via goose)

A NOTP I have with said character: the freak ones obviously, but also teruhashi/saiki. I love her to death but I feel like her crush on saiki, the only boy who shows no interest in her, is her way of being romantically unavailable to others with little/no risk of actually having to date anyone. it's very lgbt of her.

A random headcanon: that post about deaf saiki literally changed my life I think about it all the time oh my god. deaf saiki is real and canon and true I know it

General Opinion over said character: saiki isn't real because God knew we'd be too powerful as besties. he means so much to me. he's everything...

aiura & toritsuka below the cut mwah

Aiura

Sexuality Headcanon: she is bi #real #girl

Gender Headcanon: transfem... the proof is in the psychic powers

A ship I have with said character: hmm idk I haven't actually seen much of her interactions with the other characters so I got nothing x_x

A BROTP I have with said character: her and saiki are so besties we love to see it

A NOTP I have with said character: again I haven't seen a lot of her interactions with the other characters so I don't really have any specific objections... WAIT! her and toritsuka. unhand her!

A random headcanon: i think she could guess someone's full birth chart from 50 paces.

General Opinion over said character: awesome love her I need to watch more saiki k so I can see more of her. also I'm killing the author rn for his treatment of her.

Toritsuka

Sexuality Headcanon: bi but in like a cringe flop way. does that make sense or am i just saying words

Gender Headcanon: he's transmasc I think this is some sort of he/they situation

A ship I have with said character: he gets nothing until he changes his personality

A BROTP I have with said character: I think whatever he has going on with saiki is at least funny. sorry saiki

A NOTP I have with said character: MOST OF THEM OMG... he has so many issues

A random headcanon: I think his whole thing with not being able to tell between ghosts and people has a lot of potential I don't know how to elaborate on what I mean but there's definitely potential there

General Opinion over said character: I want to kill him his potential is really good but unfortunately he's a huge creep so he has to die

[rjalker]

[ID: A pride flag with horizontal stripes of: cyan, blue, white, purple, and cyan. End ID.]

If you missed it the first time around this was a pride flag in a dream I had about Fallout: New Vegas.

And you know what I’m pretty sure it’s a “”new”” version of the trans pride flag that people in the Mojave wasteland created independantly, and it specifically means trans in a “fuck you I hope you get eaten by a deathclaw” way to transmisics. It’s a symbol of solidarity and defiance, spitting in the face of anyone who tries to to control how people identify, whether they be cis or other trans people. (Yes, truscum and people who hate neopronouns, this is in fact about you. You’re just as bigoted as cis people. You being trans does not negate your bigotry towards other trans people.)

I assume they also used a different word than “trans”, but I don’t know what it was. 

If anyone’s unfamiliar with the Fallout series, Fallout: New Vegas is set in the post apocalyptic future of 2281.

Yes it’s a massive coincidance that the original trans flag even exists at all considering the timeline of the Fallout series, but IDC. The original pink, blue, and white trans pride flag was lost to the dust of history in the region for over two hundred years, found only in the memory of a few of the oldest ghouls, and seemed like it would stay that way...

Until an archaologist/historian named Wild Future unearthed a book about it, and started telling everyone who would listen, using shay skills with paint and fabric to create flags, patches, paintings, and other forms of art with it so shay could share it with the other trans people shay knew to raise awareness about their shared history. It’s proof that “trans” (or whatever they call themselves in 2281) have always existed, despite claims from assholes that it’s a new fad or a phase. 

Here’s the post about Wild :) And here’s a post with other fallout themed flags I’ve made

I guess it needs an official name, since, “go get eaten by a deathclaw” is a mouthful....

Anyways, if you’re trans and not a piece of shit exclusionist, not a truscum/transmed, not anti-MOGAI, not anti-xenogenders, not anti-neopronouns, not any other kind of bigot, and not on my DNI? Feel free to use for icons, headers, redbubble and ect designs, as long as you link back either to this post, the one about Wild, or the one with the other flags, so that other people can find the original.

also if it needs to be said, yes, when I say trans it inherently includes nonbinary people. Nonbinary people are just as trans as binary people. I’m pretty damn certain that people say we aren’t because there’s no set direction for us to transition in, so we aren’t seen as “really trans” because people equate being trans with transitioning 100%, and that’s absolute bullshit.

You don’t need to transition to be trans. You don’t need to be out to be trans. You do not have to do anything to be trans except not identify 100% with the gender you were assigned at birth. That’s it. If you aren’t 100% cis? You are trans, no matter what bigots have to say about it. Congrats. 

and yes I am gonna paint pins with this flag >:)

Feel free to suggest names!

-

DNI:

Anti-MOGAI, anti-Queer, anti-Xenogenders, anti-Neopronouns, aphobes, panphobes, exclusionists incluidng mspec-lesbian/gay exclusionists, people who are “”neutral”” on “”ace discourse””, TERFs, transmeds, transphobes, anti-BLM, anti-endogenic systems, Trump supporters, porn blogs, MAPS/pro-shippers/anti-antis, zoophiles, people who let anyone reblog from them, and people who don’t care who they reblog from, bigots in general, people I have blocked, do not interact. You will be blocked.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hello everyone, I hope you’re doing alright. I know i’m going to ask something “dumb” so to speak but is it possible to “brainwash” yourself into being queer?

In late 2019 i got into a fandom with queer rep (and started using my Tumblr account more actively) so I got in contact with more queer people. I felt like an impostor as the seemingly only cishet person in our little group, so i started digging again in questioning my sexuality and gender. “Again” because i did it before but i concluded i was cishet, as I was way more attracted to men than to women and i wasn’t “deviant enough” of my agab to really consider myself nonbinary, but i must admit i did believe your attraction had to be 50/50 (or *at least* 75/25 to the “gay side”) to count as bi, and that the concept of nonbinary reduced women and men to their stereotypes, and later that they had to be neutral or completely detached from binary genders. To clarify, I would’ve never thought bad of someone who identified as nonbinary for doing so, but i’d be like “well that’s your life i guess” and don’t bother with it.

I’ve had several identity crisis since then, from not feeling queer enough to feeling bad about becoming too queer to comfortably fit in with cishet norms. Even though I am nonbinary (or think i am nb at the moment), I dont fit in with most nonbinary people in online spaces because i’m not transmasc (or id as trans at all) and most enbies seem to be, which is fine because its their identity and they’re lucky enough to have several people who share their experiences.

Anyway, I went from being sure I was cishet (or that I still counted as cishet) to not really understanding how someone can be comfortable being a binary gender or being monosexual. I just don’t get it anymore, and that is the main reason I think sometimes that I have brainwashed myself, especially since i am “pretty close” to being a cishet woman, but deep inside I know that’s not true, and even if most people saw me as that it would be an oversimplification of who I am.

This ended up longer than expected (sorry) and I think I just need a confirmation/justification of how i’m not actually brainwashing myself, or if that’s even possible.Thanks for your time. This blog has helped me a lot in the past, especially with dealing with my bisexuality, but as you can see i’m still a work in progress. I really appreciate all of you 💜

Everything that you say screams "queer" to me. You repeatedly say that you know you are bi and non-binary, that you are not a cishet woman. You've questioned this before and it obviously doesn't pass, so you keep coming back to it. You are drawn to other queer people and media that depicts queer people - not to "brainwash" yourself but because that's whom/what you relate to. Because you're queer. And you show all the common signs of internalised queerphobia - for example not feeling "queer enough" or like an imposter. That itself could be used as a proof that you really are queer. If you are literally afraid of "not being queer enough" then you are probably queer. Actual straight and cisgender people are pretty okay with being straight and cisgender.

Nobody just "brainwashes" themselves to be queer. People grow and learn more about themselves and the world. You've learned more about the queer community over the last few years than you knew before, and that new knowledge in turn helps you to understand your own sexuality and gender better. For example: you previously thought that bisexuality had to be "50/50" or be stronger "on the gay side". Thinking that you'd of course not be able to identify with that and went "back" to thinking you are straight. But now you know better about bisexuality and it's only resonable that you'd now realise that you're actually bi after all. That isn't brainwashing, that's just education and personal growth.

Since you say you've known this blog for a while you may have seen this already but I'm going to link my post about internalised biphobia here anyway. Please check it out and see if any of those tips can help you work through your internalised queerphobia.

Maddie